Rose-tinted specs

It's gone fine this week. B is happy with me, although I do wonder what I'm doing sometimes. Well, boss is happy, they keep paying me, hunky-dory!

Have spent much of today holed up finishing my OU Spanish assignment. It's about done now, just need to check for typos and it's finito. Been ideal studying weather today (ie p*ssing down with rain).

I sat reading the Da Vinci Code on the bus this morning and it occurred to me that I feel like a spectator in my own life. I feel so fragile, like a balloon that could fly away at any moment. I thought that once I had "settled down" that this feeling would go away, but now I don't think it ever will. Even with the wedding to plan, I still don't feel as if my life has any direction. Instead of drifting aimlessly alone, I'll drift along with Ray.

As far as I can tell new job is going ok. I am the sort of person who needs boundaries, someone to tell me if I'm messing up or give me a grade to say I'm doing ok. The fact that I'm trusted to get on with this project bothers me on some level. Maybe it is lack of confidence. My boss seems happy that I have the skills and experience for the job, she took me for coffee yesterday and I said that I was feeling a little insecure. But everything she asked about I was on top of, so I guess that's fine.

I asked Ray if he ever felt like he was just "playing" at being a grown-up. He said yes, lots. I'm glad that he understands me.

Another week flies by. I'm only just getting a handle on new job and what I'm actually supposed to do. Everyone expects me to have this fantastic game plan and I do not.

Yesterday we went to the tip and took a load of old hi-fi equipment which had been cluttering up the hall for several months. This gladdened my heart tremendously.

Raymond is studying very hard for his skills test at the moment and I am "cruising" with my OU course which is very bad and I need to get a hold on myself. I will finish it as I really want to do it, but had known everything that would happen (redundancy, changing job, wedding, gutting house etc.) I don't think I would have taken it on. At least there is summer school to look forward to, so I need to study hard so I don't totally humiliate myself with a woeful lack of vocabulary when I attend.

Second day at New Job, am exhausted.

Spent most of the day retrieving student records and collating them into spreadsheets. Not very exciting! Tomorrow I have a few meetings as part of my induction, so that should be a bit more interesting.

I have ordered stationery for my desk. Exciting things like pen pots and paper trays. I've never done that before, what a thrill. They should be delivered on Tuesday.

Clearly I need to get out more.

Hit the ground with a bump. Ray and I have just done some sums thanks to one of those websites that helps you budget for your wedding. We have reached a figure just short of £13,000, including everything from engagement ring to honeymoon.

We have some friends who are also getting married next year and estimate the cost at £11k (excluding honeymoon). When did getting married get so expensive? I'm sure it was nothing like this for our parents' weddings (both traditional Church weddings in the 70s).

I used to think that when people said they couldn't afford to get married they were exaggerating, but I'm getting the picture now... Still just as keen to go ahead though, see it as a test to my financial creativity on how much we can shave off that figure.

It's amazing how it's taken no time at all to have various family share their opinions on how things "should" be done.

We have set a date for our wedding, next year on the 8th of August. It means it will be on 08/08/08 which is cool too. The fact that it is on a Friday will no doubt cause a few sighs of disapproval, but if people can't take one day off work when they have over a year's notice, then they obviously don't want to come that much. A gift in lieu of attendance would be appreciated

Seriously, my dad has the idea that we should get married in the Parish Church in Caistor, traditional I know, but it reminds me too much of school I'd rather get married in Cleethorpes which is where we'll be living. I think we just need to get the church booked and then that's that.

Well here I am returning to blogland once more. The last few months have been total pants, will we be made redundant, will we find other jobs etc, etc.

And suddenly, it all worked out. After two months of no luck I had two interviews in the same week. Was offered a job working in student support at the local FE college which pays more than I'm on now and is much closer to home. I also get a loyalty bonus from the company I've just finished with and a month's pay in lieu of notice as a redundancy payment (was employed for less than 2 years).

Now I'm moving in with Ray and we are planning our wedding for July 2008. I can't believe that things are working out at long last!

I am reminded of a certain irony in the title of my blog. It looks like I could well be moving, as the job market round here is total pants. I have applied for three jobs since Christmas, absolutely nothing. Not a sausage, not even a Dear John (or a Dear Kate) letter for that matter. And they weren't even anything special, just admin type stuff. Ray thinks it's because I'm overqualified.

Pah! So after consulting with his Rayness I have decided to cast the net wider. This means that our moving in plans are on hold for the time being. I have said that I'll only relocate for the right job, though. And it seems a shame not to use my language skills and there are no French speaker jobs round here. I have spent all afternoon posting my CV on various web sites. At least I feel that I'm doing something positive. I've applied for five jobs this afternoon in various locations across the Midlands, Yorkshire and North West.

There is one good thing though, my job is safe. It will continue to exist, but with the company we lost the contract to. And they are based in Northampton. So a move looks very likely, because if nothing else turns up, I may well consider this "TUPE" transfer...

Things have been a bit manic at work this week. But at least I still have a job, unlike a friend of mine who has been made redundant on returning from holiday. They will pay her to the end of October, but had all her stuff in a box and desk cleared. Lovely the way some companies treat people, eh?

Another depressing thing is someone I know has just been given 6 months/3 years to live. She has a brain tumour and the doctors say it is inoperable. To make matters worse she is halfway through divorcing her husband and he is being v. difficult, eg. refusing to have the kids while she was in hospital because it wasn't "his" weekend. It is just so very sad.

So this rather puts my work stresses into perspective. On a more positive note, I've signed up to do the second year of Spanish with the OU, and I feel great about this. Even though it doesn't start till February of next year, I'm going through the revision chapters from Level One, so I should be more with it when it starts.